Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
The US Olympic Committee recently announced that, due to food safety concerns, our Olympic athletes will not be eating the food supplied in Beijing by this summer’s host, the Chinese.  Instead, USOC will ship, store, prepare and serve its own meals at the team’s training tables.  Naturally, China is a little miffed at this decision but so far there’s been no confirmation of rumors that General Tso is now refusing to make his chicken or that Happy Family will be moved from Column A to Column B on menus in the Village.  Also left unsaid is whether the Chinese will follow through on their threat to have US fortune cookies changed from “You will achieve your goal” to ”You will lose in your event”.

From our “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?” Department, the National Football League gave in last week to pressure from church groups and will now allow religious organizations to throw Super Bowls parties and show the big game live on big screen TV’s.  Previously, the league insisted that their copyright stopped anyone but sports bars from showing it on large screens but now any church used on a “routine and customary” basis can show the Supe to its own flock too.  So get ready for a flood of biblical proportions … The Church of My Next Door Neighbor’s Living Room … The Church of the Holy Bean Dip … The Church of St Vincent of Lombardi … The Church of the 16.7 Million Colors At 1920×1080 Pixel Resolution.

We have a new hero and his name is Keith Van Horn, forevermore an inspiration to all of us.  You see, because of salary cap rules, NBA trades have become so complicated and so convoluted that teams often have to include dead money just to make the numbers add up.  Van Horn retired two years ago but never filed his paperwork … And the only way his last team, the Mavericks, could trade with the Nets for Jason Kidd last week was to include Van Horn in the deal.  Which is why Keith Van Horn inked a $4,000,000 contract to get on a plane to New Jersey, take a physical and then fly back home to resume not playing basketball.  So why is he a hero ???  Simple.  Next time Mrs Van Horn tells Keith he can’t expect to get paid just to sit around the house all day doing nothing, all Keith has to say is … Au contraire, my dear, au contraire.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

And 1 … Ouch.  Man, I can’t even begin to get my head wrapped around going 18-1 and not winning The Vince.  That is pain and we’re not talking French bread here.  But pain is what’s for dinner and the once-beaten Patriots have no one to blame but themselves.  Well, maybe the Super Bowl champeen New York Jints had a little something to do with it.  That nasty pass rush made the league’s best offensive line look silly and gave the Jints just enough time and space to seal it with two late sixes.  Thanks for playing, Pats, and Mercury Morris has some lovely parting gifts for you.
 
Hello ???  Hello, Mr Manning, this is Tony Romo, did I catch you at a bad time ???  No, certainly not, Tony, and please call me Archie.  Now what I can do for you ???  Well, Archie, this wasn’t my idea but Jerry Jones told me to call you and ask if you and Mrs Manning could adopt me as your son in time for next season.  He really wants to win the Super Bowl and seeing as your sons have won the last two … Well, I’m not sure about that, Tony … Say, can I put you on hold for a second, I have another call coming in.  Hello, who is this ???  Carson Palmer ???  I, uh, wait, hold on, there’s another call … Honey, could you tell Philip Rivers I’ll call him right back.

Okay, we get it … Janet Jackson’s naughty bit four years ago completely frazzled the grand poobahs at the NFL league office.  But can we please end the geezer tour that the halftime show has become in the wake of Miss J’s all-too-brief wardrobe malfunction ???  We had Paul McCartney in Jacksonville, the Stones two years ago, Prince last year and now Tom Petty and the Heart Bypass Surgeries this year.  What’s next, a Doors reunion ???  C’mon, baby, light my bifocals.

Golf season is back and so is some guy named Tiger.  I can’t be positive but I think he means business.  I don’t usually make bold predictions but Tiger looks like he just might win a few tournaments this year.
 
Supe ads were either bizarre or tame.  The one with the chick whose beating heart jumped out of her chest to tell her boss she was quitting her job didn’t exactly go well with the nachos and 7-layer dip I was trying to keep down.  The Dalmation training the Clydesdale was cute but sappy … And I’m still trying to figure out just how many different companies are out there selling magic water with some kind of fruit flavor in it.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
Dear Tiki, the weather here in Phoenix is wonderful.  Too bad you retired last year.  Don’t know if you heard or not but we made it to the Super Bowl this year without you.  And without Shockey too.  I know, crazy, isn’t it ???  Anyway, if you get a chance, say hi to Katie Couric or whoever it is you’re working with now.  Hey, gotta go, man, team meeting in 5 minutes.  Take care.  Your pal, Eli.  P.S.  Coach Coughlin says wazzup too.
 
Bob Malcolm is a midfielder for Queens Park Rangers, an English Premiership football club.  Bob Malcolm played a match for QPR against Plymouth in London one night about a month ago.  Bob Malcolm’s team lost.  At 6:30am the next morning, Bob Malcolm was found fast asleep in his car in the middle lane of the M1 highway in Tibshelf, a small Derbyshire County town.  Upon awakening, Bob Malcolm confessed he thought he had pulled over to the side of the road.  Bob Malcolm also failed a breath test and will now have to pay a fine and attend alcohol rehab.  Bob Malcolm apologized for his poor judgment but made sure we all knew who was really at fault here … “I must say that I was very upset and frustrated with the poor performance of the referee in our match at Plymouth the evening before.”  Bob Malcolm should now get used to seeing yellow cards being waved in his face.  Lots of ‘em.
 
Whadda you say we stay in the UK … Liverpool and Manchester United, two of the most famous, most successful and most valuable English football teams, are owned by … gasp … some seriously rich American gents, Tom Hicks and the Glazer brothers.  As you can guess, Lord Pip-Pip and Milady Cheerio are just a little brassed off having Yanks own their precious clubs.  And so both teams’ fans are trying to raise the pounds to buy them back and toss the bloody Yanks back across the pond where they belong.  Here’s what I think we should do though … First, let’s tax their stamps.  And if that doesn’t work, we’ll tax their tea.  And if they don’t want to pay the tax, they can just toss the tea in the harbor for all we care.  That’ll teach ‘em not to mess with us owning them.

Dear TO, hope you’re enjoying your stay with the Cowboys.  We’re sorry the arbitrator said you have to pay back the rest of your 2005 signing bonus.  For your convenience, we accept Visa, MasterCard, Discover, American Express, cash, check or money order.   If you decide to pay by check, please write on the memo line … “TO cost himself $2.49 million dollars by holding out against us.”  Thank you and have a nice day.  Sincerely, the Philadelphia Eagles.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
DNP-CD … No, it’s not some new high-def music disc.  In The Association, it stands for “Did Not Play - Coach’s Decision” and it shows up in the box score mostly for the jabeeps buried at the end of the bench.  But last week, Matt Barnes of Golden State got one of the more unusual DNP-CD’s of recent note.  First off, Barnes is no scrubbeenie.  He played a key role last spring when the Warriors sent the Mavs home early and he’s been solid so far this season too.  No, Matt sat because assistant coach Keith “Not So” Smart forgot to write his name on the pre-game lineup card.  The zeebs said sorry, rules are rules and gave Barnes the night off.  That’s right, the Warriors had to pay Matt Barnes his game check … $36,585 … to sit in the locker room and woof nachos all night.  The NBA.  I love this game. 
 
Let’s give it up for IUPUI head hoops coach Ron Turner and his magic bare feets.  What’s an IUPUI, you ask ???  It’s Indiana University-Purdue University at Indianapolis.  No, seriously, Eye-Yuh-Poohie is a real school.  Anyway, Turner decided to coach a game last week sans socks and shoes.  That’s right, Shoeless Ron wanted to honor MLK Day by coaching barefoot so that people would donate shoes for shoeless kids in Africa.  The night was a big success as Turner was hoping for 40,000 and ended up collecting well over 100,000 pairs plus $20K in cash.  And IUPUI won the game too.  All in all, a fantastic night and a worthy cause celebrated.  Although to be fair, it’s probably a good thing Coach Turner wasn’t looking to help the UN Council for Global Hemorrhoid Awareness.
 
More strip club hilarity … Former Bengals linebacker Adrian Ross had what he thought was a foolproof plan.  Ross wanted to host nine straight days and nights of Super Bowl parties at the Pink Cabaret, an all-nude strip club, in Glendale, AZ, site of next week’s big game.  Only one problem … All-nude clubs don’t allow the booze.  So Ross appealed to the Glendale City Council for a special one-time waiver.  But the city fathers thought better of it and decided that it’s probably still not a good idea to mix testosterone with alcohol and naked women.  Ross was crushed of course … Especially since he had already announced that proceeds from his parties would be donated to Maddbackers Foundation, a local charity run by … yep, former Bengals linebacker Adrian Ross.  Oh, those poor kids.
 
This just in … Breaking news … Heartthrob New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was photographed arriving at Providence Airport yesterday with a tiny piece of bloody white toilet paper allegedly affixed to the lower right side of his otherwise magnificently chiseled chin.  Paparazzi snapped off dozens of photos of what authorities are only speculating might have been a minor shaving accident.  Brady’s publicist would not confirm the so-called “nick” but the team announced that their All-Pro player does indeed attempt to remove facial stubble from his dreamy cheeks, sculpted jaw and smooth neck each day using what the team trainer referred to as a “razor”.  When pressed for comment, Patriots coach Bill Belichick downgraded Brady from definitely probable to extremely probable for the upcoming Super Bowl.

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