Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

I think we may have finally figured out Bill Belichick.  He’s not human.  I believe he’s an Arkillian prince sent here to protect the galaxy on Orion’s belt and coach a little football on the side.  In fact, I bet if you tugged on Belichick’s ear lobe, his face would lift off and there’d be a little 3″ tall E.T. in there working the controls.  And I also think the coach is in cahoots with the Men In Black to keep his Patriots under control.  Anybody gets out of line and J and K are there to flashy-thing them right back into submission.  All we need now for proof is a couple of juicy National Enquirer articles like, say for example, if the star quarterback was dating a Brazilian supermodel.
 
You know, this is one time when I’m actually glad Vince Lombardi isn’t around to see what has happened to his game.  Seattle kicker Josh Brown will be wearing heated warm-up pants on the sidelines in Green Bay this weekend.  That’s right, no matter how cold it gets at Lambeau, batteries in Brown’s pants will keep his calves, thighs and hamstrings a toasty 75 degrees.  No truth to the rumor that Brown also brought his woobie to sleep with him in his hotel room or that he’ll have Seahawks staff keep a thermos of decaf, half-soy, no whip, double-shot caramel cappuccino under the bench in case he feels chilly.  And I’m really glad Seattle isn’t playing in Philadelphia this weekend cause Iggles fans would make sure poor Josh has all the extra batteries he needed and then some.
 
If you’re a Sports Illustrated subscriber, then you’re familiar with the magazine’s “Faces In The Crowd” section.  Each issue features half a dozen young and unknown athletes.  They’re mostly high schoolers who’ve set some new and obscure record like the longest javelin toss in Idaho girls track history or most goals in one soccer game by a left-footed sophomore.  But here’s the thing … There are never any ugly faces in “Faces In The Crowd”.  Never.  Every girl is button cute and every guy is the homecoming king.  I have no idea what this means but if you’re a young jock planning on hitting 53 home runs with one hand or a tennis player and you haven’t lost since you were 2, you better not have a crooked nose, buck teeth or a chin full of zits cause that ain’t the kind of face in the crowd SI is looking for.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

Ain’t no flies on Looziana State, winner of the BCS Champeenship Game over *The* Ohio State Poisonous Nuts.  And to honor the champs, let’s sing a little song for them … We are the champions more or less.  And we’ll keep on fighting until the polls are in.  We are the champions kinda sorta.  We are the champions pretty much.  No time for losers unless it’s us with two losses.  Cause we are the champions of the College Football Bowl Subdivision (formerly known as Division 1-A) world.

And a note to the BCS … Enough with the Ohio State versus SEC matchups for the big crystal pig bladder.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  Last year it was a Gator chompjob, this year a Bayou Bengal blowout.  We get it.  The Nuts are from the Big Ten.  They don’t have the speed.  They don’t play a tough enough schedule.  And Jim Tressel dresses like a CPA whose mom still picks out his clothes.  Meanwhile, LSU got all Cajun medieval on the poor Nuts breaking tackles and running wild in a way too Big Easy win.  Thanks for playing and we have some lovely parting gifts for you.
 
That’s a wrap … The end of Joe Gibbs Part II: The Phantom Menace as the legendary Skins coach packed in his comeback gig with a final tally of 31-36 and two short offs appearances in four seasons back in Fight For Old Dee Cee.  It had to have been a rough year for Joe especially with the tragic death of Sean Taylor and the pressure of a late-season run.  So rough in fact that Joe was willing to turn in his whistle and go back to running his NASCAR team.  In other words, instead of continuing his Hall of Fame NFL career, Joe would rather deal with Tony Stewart all over again.  I mean, when that starts to look like the easier choice, then you know he was having a hard time of it.
 
I’m sorry but I need an explanation here … June Jones left as head coach at the University of Hawaii for the same job at Southern Methodist.  He left Hawaii after a 12-1 Sugar Bowl dream season for the SMU Ponies who finished 1-11.  The same Ponies who still have not recovered from the death penalty the NC2A dropped on their helmets over 20 years ago.  The same Ponies who play in Conference USA.  The same conference whose champion plays in a bowl named for a company that repossesses cars.  Okay sure, Jones will now get $2 million a year instead of $1.6 mill.  But he left Honolulu for Dallas.  He left pineapple for pico de gallo, leis for lassos and surf babes for rodeo clowns.  Aloha means goodbye, coach.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

“The check is in the mail.” “I’ll respect you in the morning.” “No new taxes.” And now make room for a new entry on the list of all-time great lies. Drum roll, please … “I thought it was a B-12 shot.” Several ballplayers have tried this beauty before but now Roger “60 Minutes Man” Clemens is taking it out for a stroll too. Yes, the Mitchell Report is blatantly unfair to the players named in it but it snared one big flopping fish when Roger’s ex-trainer copped to shooting him up. And now that fish is gasping for airtime. Go on, Rog, we’re listening. Tick, tick, tick, tick …

Didja see that snowy outdoor hockey game in Buffalo between the Sabes and the Pens? If not, you missed a nice nostalgic nod to old school pond hockey. Maybe next year the NFL could do something like it too … First off, we’ll need to pave a field with asphalt between the hashmarks. Then parallel park a bunch of old cars along both sidelines leaving a few gaps in between cars for down-and-out routes. No uniforms and no pads … Just school clothes and gym shoes. And no playbooks or game plans either. Every play is “Everybody go long” and pass rush is strictly enforced by the “Three Mississippi” system. Penalty is three cars and automatic do over. No exceptions. Not even for the guy who brought the football.

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