Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
The US Olympic Committee recently announced that, due to food safety concerns, our Olympic athletes will not be eating the food supplied in Beijing by this summer’s host, the Chinese.  Instead, USOC will ship, store, prepare and serve its own meals at the team’s training tables.  Naturally, China is a little miffed at this decision but so far there’s been no confirmation of rumors that General Tso is now refusing to make his chicken or that Happy Family will be moved from Column A to Column B on menus in the Village.  Also left unsaid is whether the Chinese will follow through on their threat to have US fortune cookies changed from “You will achieve your goal” to ”You will lose in your event”.

From our “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?” Department, the National Football League gave in last week to pressure from church groups and will now allow religious organizations to throw Super Bowls parties and show the big game live on big screen TV’s.  Previously, the league insisted that their copyright stopped anyone but sports bars from showing it on large screens but now any church used on a “routine and customary” basis can show the Supe to its own flock too.  So get ready for a flood of biblical proportions … The Church of My Next Door Neighbor’s Living Room … The Church of the Holy Bean Dip … The Church of St Vincent of Lombardi … The Church of the 16.7 Million Colors At 1920×1080 Pixel Resolution.

We have a new hero and his name is Keith Van Horn, forevermore an inspiration to all of us.  You see, because of salary cap rules, NBA trades have become so complicated and so convoluted that teams often have to include dead money just to make the numbers add up.  Van Horn retired two years ago but never filed his paperwork … And the only way his last team, the Mavericks, could trade with the Nets for Jason Kidd last week was to include Van Horn in the deal.  Which is why Keith Van Horn inked a $4,000,000 contract to get on a plane to New Jersey, take a physical and then fly back home to resume not playing basketball.  So why is he a hero ???  Simple.  Next time Mrs Van Horn tells Keith he can’t expect to get paid just to sit around the house all day doing nothing, all Keith has to say is … Au contraire, my dear, au contraire.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
DNP-CD … No, it’s not some new high-def music disc.  In The Association, it stands for “Did Not Play - Coach’s Decision” and it shows up in the box score mostly for the jabeeps buried at the end of the bench.  But last week, Matt Barnes of Golden State got one of the more unusual DNP-CD’s of recent note.  First off, Barnes is no scrubbeenie.  He played a key role last spring when the Warriors sent the Mavs home early and he’s been solid so far this season too.  No, Matt sat because assistant coach Keith “Not So” Smart forgot to write his name on the pre-game lineup card.  The zeebs said sorry, rules are rules and gave Barnes the night off.  That’s right, the Warriors had to pay Matt Barnes his game check … $36,585 … to sit in the locker room and woof nachos all night.  The NBA.  I love this game. 
 
Let’s give it up for IUPUI head hoops coach Ron Turner and his magic bare feets.  What’s an IUPUI, you ask ???  It’s Indiana University-Purdue University at Indianapolis.  No, seriously, Eye-Yuh-Poohie is a real school.  Anyway, Turner decided to coach a game last week sans socks and shoes.  That’s right, Shoeless Ron wanted to honor MLK Day by coaching barefoot so that people would donate shoes for shoeless kids in Africa.  The night was a big success as Turner was hoping for 40,000 and ended up collecting well over 100,000 pairs plus $20K in cash.  And IUPUI won the game too.  All in all, a fantastic night and a worthy cause celebrated.  Although to be fair, it’s probably a good thing Coach Turner wasn’t looking to help the UN Council for Global Hemorrhoid Awareness.
 
More strip club hilarity … Former Bengals linebacker Adrian Ross had what he thought was a foolproof plan.  Ross wanted to host nine straight days and nights of Super Bowl parties at the Pink Cabaret, an all-nude strip club, in Glendale, AZ, site of next week’s big game.  Only one problem … All-nude clubs don’t allow the booze.  So Ross appealed to the Glendale City Council for a special one-time waiver.  But the city fathers thought better of it and decided that it’s probably still not a good idea to mix testosterone with alcohol and naked women.  Ross was crushed of course … Especially since he had already announced that proceeds from his parties would be donated to Maddbackers Foundation, a local charity run by … yep, former Bengals linebacker Adrian Ross.  Oh, those poor kids.
 
This just in … Breaking news … Heartthrob New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was photographed arriving at Providence Airport yesterday with a tiny piece of bloody white toilet paper allegedly affixed to the lower right side of his otherwise magnificently chiseled chin.  Paparazzi snapped off dozens of photos of what authorities are only speculating might have been a minor shaving accident.  Brady’s publicist would not confirm the so-called “nick” but the team announced that their All-Pro player does indeed attempt to remove facial stubble from his dreamy cheeks, sculpted jaw and smooth neck each day using what the team trainer referred to as a “razor”.  When pressed for comment, Patriots coach Bill Belichick downgraded Brady from definitely probable to extremely probable for the upcoming Super Bowl.

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