Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
The Pro Bowl … One group of really good pro football players wearing funny uniforms and their own helmets beat the other group of really good pro football players wearing funny uniforms and their own helmets.  Click.  And that’s a wrap on the 2007 National Football League season.  Now bring on the silly season … The combine, free agency, salary caps, the draft, minicamps, training camps … And then finally blessed September.  Sigh, it’s gonna be a long summer.
 
Okay, now this steroids thing has gone too far … Now Brian NcNamee claims he injected Debbie Clemens, Roger’s wife, with HGH too.  So that she could look good in her bikini for a section of the 2003 SI Swimsuit Issue featuring jock husbands and their wives.  Look, it’s one thing to chemically alter baseball history and the record book but the sacred swimsuit issue is off limits.  We, as sports fans, must insist on the integrity of our artificially lit, carefully posed and meticulously airbrushed cheesecake.  I mean, what’s next, did Mrs Roger go to a tanning salon too ???  I’m telling you, this will not stand.
 
Didja hear about this kid who faked his own recruiting story ???  Last week, in front of a packed gym, Kevin Hart, a 6-5, 290 pound offensive lineman from Fernley High School in Fernley, NV, announced he had chosen … drum roll, please … Cal over Oregon.  TV cameras, cheerleaders, friends and family, coaches and teammates, they were all there for Hart’s dramatic announcement.  Only problem was Cal hadn’t recruited him.  Neither had Oregon.  No one had.  Not even the University of Nevada just a 30 minute drive away.  Of course the kid was embarrassed once the truth came out but maybe there’s a bright side … I mean, hey, as long as Ohio State keeps sending fake teams to BCS title games, he’ll have a place to play.

Popularity: 12% [?]

This is just too funny … he should have tried out for American Idol (or maybe hire himself out as a Vocal Coach for the other contestants):

Shane sings up the scale 5 octaves and shows how to work on it.

Popularity: 21% [?]

Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

I think we may have finally figured out Bill Belichick.  He’s not human.  I believe he’s an Arkillian prince sent here to protect the galaxy on Orion’s belt and coach a little football on the side.  In fact, I bet if you tugged on Belichick’s ear lobe, his face would lift off and there’d be a little 3″ tall E.T. in there working the controls.  And I also think the coach is in cahoots with the Men In Black to keep his Patriots under control.  Anybody gets out of line and J and K are there to flashy-thing them right back into submission.  All we need now for proof is a couple of juicy National Enquirer articles like, say for example, if the star quarterback was dating a Brazilian supermodel.
 
You know, this is one time when I’m actually glad Vince Lombardi isn’t around to see what has happened to his game.  Seattle kicker Josh Brown will be wearing heated warm-up pants on the sidelines in Green Bay this weekend.  That’s right, no matter how cold it gets at Lambeau, batteries in Brown’s pants will keep his calves, thighs and hamstrings a toasty 75 degrees.  No truth to the rumor that Brown also brought his woobie to sleep with him in his hotel room or that he’ll have Seahawks staff keep a thermos of decaf, half-soy, no whip, double-shot caramel cappuccino under the bench in case he feels chilly.  And I’m really glad Seattle isn’t playing in Philadelphia this weekend cause Iggles fans would make sure poor Josh has all the extra batteries he needed and then some.
 
If you’re a Sports Illustrated subscriber, then you’re familiar with the magazine’s “Faces In The Crowd” section.  Each issue features half a dozen young and unknown athletes.  They’re mostly high schoolers who’ve set some new and obscure record like the longest javelin toss in Idaho girls track history or most goals in one soccer game by a left-footed sophomore.  But here’s the thing … There are never any ugly faces in “Faces In The Crowd”.  Never.  Every girl is button cute and every guy is the homecoming king.  I have no idea what this means but if you’re a young jock planning on hitting 53 home runs with one hand or a tennis player and you haven’t lost since you were 2, you better not have a crooked nose, buck teeth or a chin full of zits cause that ain’t the kind of face in the crowd SI is looking for.

Popularity: 14% [?]

There are some things that can be said about all Mark Twain quotes, regardless of which one it is you’re referring to. One, they’re witty. Yes, Mr. Twain was one witty character. Two, they bring a smile to your face. Whether you’re smiling because you think it’s funny or you’re smiling because you completely relate (even if a bit embarrassingly), Mark Twain quotes can crack a grin on the most stoic of faces.

Here are 16 Mark Twain quotes to get you smiling. Evidently… this guy knew his stuff.

1. “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”

2. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

3. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

4. “A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

5. “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

6. “But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”

7. “Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”

8. “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

9. “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

10. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

11. “Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.”

12. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.”

13. “A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.”

14. “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

15. “A man who carries a cat by the tail is getting experience that will always be helpful. He isn’t likely to grow dim or doubtful. Chances are, he isn’t likely to carry the cat that way again, either. But if he wants to, I say let him!”

16. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do… Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Popularity: 3% [?]

Occasionally it appears that civilization has arrived ahead of time. Time saving gimmicks often don’t and quick fix solutions oftentimes aren’t. The United States government expended hundreds of thousands of dollars formulating a pen that would write in space. The Russians employed a pencil. Recently I purchased a fancy leaf blower/vacuum for the terrace. Before long my mitts smelled similar to gasoline, I no longer can fit my automobile in the garage and the cat bears a permanent noise hang-up. Therefore I sold it to my neighbor for $50.00 (Orig. $300.) and purchased a broom. It works fine.

The interior vacuum cleaner came with a hard floor attachment that demands a Massachusetts Institute of Technology mastermind to assemble. Whirlpools of fizz spewed forth like Niagra Falls, blending with the cat hairs, dust balls and splattered food. It required two hours to disassemble, clean it, and re-install it upon the garage ledge where it belongs. Then I placed a rag on a stick and tidied up in ten minutes. The flooring seems great and I get to use the rag again and again - free of charge.

One day my wife could not resist purchasing a food chopper for $29.95. The images depict heaps of colorful veggies sliced and available for cooking. Trying it out, an onion vanished into its hole, and was promptly reduced to a mass of nasty goo with a ragged ball in the center. Next, a potato, as if by magic, transformed into liquid accompanied by an apple entwined with unpalatable seeds and mutilated peel.

After one gash on a digit of each hand ( I vow I simply bumped the blade gently), I somehow got it into the unconventional box and returned it the same day. Keeping an eye on this debacle was my grandmother who snidely advised I use the paring knife she gave us twenty years ago. She was correct.

Have you ever succumb to the siren song of the seed catalogue and the images on the seed bundles at the store? Once you add up the price of seed, plant food, chicken wire fencing material, tools and bribe money to your children for weeding, the number is distributing. Then again, twelve gigantic tomatoes, ten green peppers, ten pounds of onions and a big bagful of green beans cost merely $30.00. I know you can’t buy time, but it certainly is easy to waste it.

One modernistic invention used by millions of folks is the computer printer. In five years the cost for a high-end printer has gone down from $400. To $60. What they don’t tell you that a week’s printing will consume the original ink cartridges. A new set will be over $90. Every week. It’s like purchasing a car for $10,000 and spending $15,000 a week on gas to get to work.

Every car owner is confronted each day by advertisements for magic scratch removers, fancy car wash formulas and brushes, wheel cleansers, and dash panel renewers. None of these products function as well as a pail of H2O with an ounce of dish soap and a rag. I own a heap of rags.

Popularity: 100% [?]