Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
Awfully nice of Patriots coach Bill Belichick to finally open up about Spygate.  In case you missed it, Belichick denied secretly taping the Rams’ walkthrough practice the day before Supe 36.  He went on to say that he doesn’t tape anybody’s walkthroughs.  In fact, Bill insisted he doesn’t even tape his own team’s walkthroughs.  Good one, Coach.  I mean, who needs footage of your own guys practicing at half speed.  After all, John Dillinger didn’t rob his own bank so why would you steal your own signals ???  Try again, please.
 
Ryan “Hello” Newman won Daytona with some generous bump draft help from Penske teammate Kurt Busch.  And in watching some of the post-race rundown, I couldn’t help notice that drivers typically mention their teammates by name but the other guys by car number.  As in “I needed Kurt’s help to get me past the 20.”  Or “We were in a three-wide with Tony on the left and the 24 on the right.”  Makes you wonder if they do this in real life too.  I mean, does Ryan Newman’s kid come home from trick-or-treating and say … “Well, I got Reese’s at the Drakes and Kit-Kats at the Bartletts but we didn’t stop at the 1150 or at the 1090 cause Billy heard they just got apples and raisins there.”
 
I know this is kinda old news but can the tennis chicks from behind The Curtain Formerly Known As Iron get any hotter ???  Anna Kournikova started this whole ex-Commie invasion 10 years ago but now it’s just a wave of one East European backhand babe after another.  Maria Sharapova, Ana Ivanovic, Nicole Vaidisova, Maria Kirilenko, Jelena Dokic, Elena Dementieva, Daniela Hantuchova and so on.  Seriously, where were all these hotties back in the days of Khrushchev and Brezhnev ???  Hell, if our NATO spies had told us the Warsaw Pact was holding this gene pool hostage, the Cold War would have ended a whole lot sooner.  Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
 
More NASCAR … Hey, race fans, are you tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces ???  Well, come on over to www.meetmeattheraces.com … The first and foremost online dating site for gearheads looking for a little racin’ and some romancin’.  “If you love the smell of burning tires and the thunder of big NASCAR horsepower … If the smell of fresh exhaust turns you on … Then you’re in the right place.”   And don’t forget … If this RV is rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.   Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

I think we may have finally figured out Bill Belichick.  He’s not human.  I believe he’s an Arkillian prince sent here to protect the galaxy on Orion’s belt and coach a little football on the side.  In fact, I bet if you tugged on Belichick’s ear lobe, his face would lift off and there’d be a little 3″ tall E.T. in there working the controls.  And I also think the coach is in cahoots with the Men In Black to keep his Patriots under control.  Anybody gets out of line and J and K are there to flashy-thing them right back into submission.  All we need now for proof is a couple of juicy National Enquirer articles like, say for example, if the star quarterback was dating a Brazilian supermodel.
 
You know, this is one time when I’m actually glad Vince Lombardi isn’t around to see what has happened to his game.  Seattle kicker Josh Brown will be wearing heated warm-up pants on the sidelines in Green Bay this weekend.  That’s right, no matter how cold it gets at Lambeau, batteries in Brown’s pants will keep his calves, thighs and hamstrings a toasty 75 degrees.  No truth to the rumor that Brown also brought his woobie to sleep with him in his hotel room or that he’ll have Seahawks staff keep a thermos of decaf, half-soy, no whip, double-shot caramel cappuccino under the bench in case he feels chilly.  And I’m really glad Seattle isn’t playing in Philadelphia this weekend cause Iggles fans would make sure poor Josh has all the extra batteries he needed and then some.
 
If you’re a Sports Illustrated subscriber, then you’re familiar with the magazine’s “Faces In The Crowd” section.  Each issue features half a dozen young and unknown athletes.  They’re mostly high schoolers who’ve set some new and obscure record like the longest javelin toss in Idaho girls track history or most goals in one soccer game by a left-footed sophomore.  But here’s the thing … There are never any ugly faces in “Faces In The Crowd”.  Never.  Every girl is button cute and every guy is the homecoming king.  I have no idea what this means but if you’re a young jock planning on hitting 53 home runs with one hand or a tennis player and you haven’t lost since you were 2, you better not have a crooked nose, buck teeth or a chin full of zits cause that ain’t the kind of face in the crowd SI is looking for.

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