Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

Okay, so some teams want to bring their own food … And some elite long-distance runners don’t wanna run outdoors in the polluted air … And the monks are mad in Tibet … And the torch relay is a daily disaster … Other than that, the Beijing Olympics are in great shape. Just super, thanks for asking. You know, at this point, the only thing worse would be letting Jar Jar Binks light the torch. I got a bad feeling about this.

You can’t have it both ways, Roy. This is big time college basketball. You can’t get rock-chalked into bolivian against your old gig, Kansas, on Final Flop, I mean, Final Four Saturday and then wear a Jayhawk decal on your shirt two days later. Trying to make everybody like you is a noble goal, Roy, but it’s mission impossible. Just ask your revered mentor, Dean Smif. And if he won’t tell you, then I will … Once you leave a no place like home like Kansas, you can’t go back. Just like those first half timeouts you didn’t call … Once you sit on ‘em, they’re puff daddy forever and ever, amen.

Welcome to the 2008 NFL Draft of Mock Drafts … With the first pick, Miami selects Mel Kiper Jr’s mock draft. Mel’s ESPN.com mock draft is well-analyzed, has good depth and balance and ran the mock 40 in a blistering 4.27 mock seconds. Picking second, the Rams select the mock draft of SI.com’s Don Banks. Don’s mock set a new combine record with 34 mock bench reps but his three-page web format with 1-10, 11-20 and 21-32 navigation buttons caused his mock stock to drop just a bit. At the third pick, we have a trade. The Patriots trade their No. 7 mock draft pick (obtained last year from San Francisco) plus their own 3rd round mock draft pick plus a 2009 5th round mock draft pick to the Falcons for their No. 3 mock draft pick this year. The Falcons, of course, are in a major rebuilding mode and need the extra mock draft picks. The Patriots then make a surprise pick taking Chris Steuber’s mock draft from Scout.com. The up-and-coming Steuber was on no one’s mock draft of Draft of Mock Drafts until just a few days ago but now here his mock is the impressive choice of the defending AFC champs. Well done, Chris.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
This is a sad time in sports.  It always is when a true legend retires.  A genuine icon, worshipped by millions of adoring fans, an inspiration to future generations, a champion through and through, a shining example of all that’s right and good in the wide wide world of sports.  Not to mention the most hypnotic eyes since Bette Davis and a pair of legs that would stop an ambulance driver.  Sigh … You will be missed, Katarina Witt.
 
You see what I did there ???  You thought I was talking about Brett Favre, right ???  Yep, the man with the backward consonants has packed it in too.  After 17 years as King of the Cheese, ol’ Sheriff Brett has packered up his bags and headed home to Mississippuh.  A very strange decision by His Gunslingerness.  Favre hung around waiting for the suits to churn the Pack roster from old and slow over to young and frisky … At which very point he bailed saying he was tired, just tired, just really tired.  Hell, Brett, the entire NFL is tired in March.  Even the fans are tired.  Wake me up when September ends.  

If you think one and a half billion Chinese could care less, then you haven’t seen the X-rays of Houston Rockets center Yao Ming’s foot.  Chairman Yao has a stress fracture and months of rehab before the Beijing Olympics start later this summer.  It’s not like there was any pressure on Yao or anything.  Oh no, there’s nothing expected of the most famous athlete in the world’s most populous country in the event they’ve lusted after for decades.  Nope, no pressure at all.  Heal fast, Yao.  Heal really fast.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
The US Olympic Committee recently announced that, due to food safety concerns, our Olympic athletes will not be eating the food supplied in Beijing by this summer’s host, the Chinese.  Instead, USOC will ship, store, prepare and serve its own meals at the team’s training tables.  Naturally, China is a little miffed at this decision but so far there’s been no confirmation of rumors that General Tso is now refusing to make his chicken or that Happy Family will be moved from Column A to Column B on menus in the Village.  Also left unsaid is whether the Chinese will follow through on their threat to have US fortune cookies changed from “You will achieve your goal” to ”You will lose in your event”.

From our “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?” Department, the National Football League gave in last week to pressure from church groups and will now allow religious organizations to throw Super Bowls parties and show the big game live on big screen TV’s.  Previously, the league insisted that their copyright stopped anyone but sports bars from showing it on large screens but now any church used on a “routine and customary” basis can show the Supe to its own flock too.  So get ready for a flood of biblical proportions … The Church of My Next Door Neighbor’s Living Room … The Church of the Holy Bean Dip … The Church of St Vincent of Lombardi … The Church of the 16.7 Million Colors At 1920×1080 Pixel Resolution.

We have a new hero and his name is Keith Van Horn, forevermore an inspiration to all of us.  You see, because of salary cap rules, NBA trades have become so complicated and so convoluted that teams often have to include dead money just to make the numbers add up.  Van Horn retired two years ago but never filed his paperwork … And the only way his last team, the Mavericks, could trade with the Nets for Jason Kidd last week was to include Van Horn in the deal.  Which is why Keith Van Horn inked a $4,000,000 contract to get on a plane to New Jersey, take a physical and then fly back home to resume not playing basketball.  So why is he a hero ???  Simple.  Next time Mrs Van Horn tells Keith he can’t expect to get paid just to sit around the house all day doing nothing, all Keith has to say is … Au contraire, my dear, au contraire.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
Awfully nice of Patriots coach Bill Belichick to finally open up about Spygate.  In case you missed it, Belichick denied secretly taping the Rams’ walkthrough practice the day before Supe 36.  He went on to say that he doesn’t tape anybody’s walkthroughs.  In fact, Bill insisted he doesn’t even tape his own team’s walkthroughs.  Good one, Coach.  I mean, who needs footage of your own guys practicing at half speed.  After all, John Dillinger didn’t rob his own bank so why would you steal your own signals ???  Try again, please.
 
Ryan “Hello” Newman won Daytona with some generous bump draft help from Penske teammate Kurt Busch.  And in watching some of the post-race rundown, I couldn’t help notice that drivers typically mention their teammates by name but the other guys by car number.  As in “I needed Kurt’s help to get me past the 20.”  Or “We were in a three-wide with Tony on the left and the 24 on the right.”  Makes you wonder if they do this in real life too.  I mean, does Ryan Newman’s kid come home from trick-or-treating and say … “Well, I got Reese’s at the Drakes and Kit-Kats at the Bartletts but we didn’t stop at the 1150 or at the 1090 cause Billy heard they just got apples and raisins there.”
 
I know this is kinda old news but can the tennis chicks from behind The Curtain Formerly Known As Iron get any hotter ???  Anna Kournikova started this whole ex-Commie invasion 10 years ago but now it’s just a wave of one East European backhand babe after another.  Maria Sharapova, Ana Ivanovic, Nicole Vaidisova, Maria Kirilenko, Jelena Dokic, Elena Dementieva, Daniela Hantuchova and so on.  Seriously, where were all these hotties back in the days of Khrushchev and Brezhnev ???  Hell, if our NATO spies had told us the Warsaw Pact was holding this gene pool hostage, the Cold War would have ended a whole lot sooner.  Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
 
More NASCAR … Hey, race fans, are you tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces ???  Well, come on over to www.meetmeattheraces.com … The first and foremost online dating site for gearheads looking for a little racin’ and some romancin’.  “If you love the smell of burning tires and the thunder of big NASCAR horsepower … If the smell of fresh exhaust turns you on … Then you’re in the right place.”   And don’t forget … If this RV is rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.   Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

There’s no need to fear, Underdog is here. And it’s about time too. For the first time in the 100-year history of the Westminster Dog Show, a beagle took Best In Show. Uno, a noisy 3-year-old champion and a huge crowd favorite, kicked major kibbles and bits at the top shelf show. This is good … The Westminster should reward regular breeds and cut back on all the frou-frou poodles and the other exotic toy dogs. Maybe next year they’ll really wise up and give it to a golden retriever named “Doobie” wearing a Grateful Dead bandanna with a wet frisbee in his mouth.

I still don’t understand why NASCAR touts the upcoming Daytona Five Hunnered as the Super Bowl of its long season. Okay, so it’s the richest and most coveted race on the schedule. And true, if you’re gonna start your season in February, the Florida coast blows doors off of New Hampshire or Michigan. But how can the first race of the season be the biggest and the best ??? I mean, if you follow that logic, why not just wave the checkered flag after the first lap and call it a day.

I am sorry to see HBO’s “Inside The NFL” show go puff daddy after 31 years but they have no one really to blame but themselves. Oh, the highlights were still superb. Nobody does game footage better than NFL Films. But this year, the one-hour show averaged about 27 minutes of highlights with many teams often left out altogether. The other 33 minutes ??? A painful mix of show host banter, meaningless predictions, fuzzy rumors and, worst of all, sappy human interest stories straight out of Oprah Central. I mean, really, as a sports fan, would you rather see Jon Kitna visit a children’s hospital wing or Jon Kitna throw four interceptions ???  The prosecution rests.

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You can tie down a Baby Elephant with a rope, and it will still keep it in place when it is full grown.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
The Pro Bowl … One group of really good pro football players wearing funny uniforms and their own helmets beat the other group of really good pro football players wearing funny uniforms and their own helmets.  Click.  And that’s a wrap on the 2007 National Football League season.  Now bring on the silly season … The combine, free agency, salary caps, the draft, minicamps, training camps … And then finally blessed September.  Sigh, it’s gonna be a long summer.
 
Okay, now this steroids thing has gone too far … Now Brian NcNamee claims he injected Debbie Clemens, Roger’s wife, with HGH too.  So that she could look good in her bikini for a section of the 2003 SI Swimsuit Issue featuring jock husbands and their wives.  Look, it’s one thing to chemically alter baseball history and the record book but the sacred swimsuit issue is off limits.  We, as sports fans, must insist on the integrity of our artificially lit, carefully posed and meticulously airbrushed cheesecake.  I mean, what’s next, did Mrs Roger go to a tanning salon too ???  I’m telling you, this will not stand.
 
Didja hear about this kid who faked his own recruiting story ???  Last week, in front of a packed gym, Kevin Hart, a 6-5, 290 pound offensive lineman from Fernley High School in Fernley, NV, announced he had chosen … drum roll, please … Cal over Oregon.  TV cameras, cheerleaders, friends and family, coaches and teammates, they were all there for Hart’s dramatic announcement.  Only problem was Cal hadn’t recruited him.  Neither had Oregon.  No one had.  Not even the University of Nevada just a 30 minute drive away.  Of course the kid was embarrassed once the truth came out but maybe there’s a bright side … I mean, hey, as long as Ohio State keeps sending fake teams to BCS title games, he’ll have a place to play.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

Good night, Bobby Knight. One of the most polarizing sports figures of all time called it quits at Texas Tech after 902 career wins and 3 national champeenships. It’s a shame he’ll be remembered mostly for tossing chairs, kicking shins and grabbing throats but I doubt he and his fishing rod are gonna care all that much anyway. From a hoops sense, Knight will be remembered for suffocating man-to-man D, the motion offense with disciplined shot selection and horrible taste in sideline sweater fashion. Enjoy your retirement, Coach, and please be nice to your waitress down at the Bob Evans.

Hey, Peyton, don’t we have an age limit for our Manning Passing Academy summer camp for kids ??? Yeah, we do, Eli, why, what’s the matter ??? Oh, nothing, it’s just that I’m getting some really strange applications for this year’s camp. Here’s one from a “D McNabb”, age 31 from Philadelphia. Says he likes Campbell’s Chunky Soup and hates Rush Limbaugh. Here’s another from an “R Grossman”, age 27 from Chicago. And here’s another from a “C Pennington”, age 31 from New York. Who are these guys ???

And so National Signing Day is upon us. That magical day when college football determines that the exact same programs that have ruled for the last 50 years are gonna somehow manage to flourish and conquer for four more. Oh, the waiting. Oh, the suspense. Can we get a drum roll, please ??? Gators, Canes, Dawgs, Nuts, Sooners, Cajuns, Irish, SoCal, Bama, Tejas, Noles and Meeshigan. Toss in some Aggies, a few Nitts and some extra helpings of Tiggers, Ducks and Hogs here and there and it’s the same old soup all over again. Heat and stir. Ladle into Bowls. Serve.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …

And 1 … Ouch.  Man, I can’t even begin to get my head wrapped around going 18-1 and not winning The Vince.  That is pain and we’re not talking French bread here.  But pain is what’s for dinner and the once-beaten Patriots have no one to blame but themselves.  Well, maybe the Super Bowl champeen New York Jints had a little something to do with it.  That nasty pass rush made the league’s best offensive line look silly and gave the Jints just enough time and space to seal it with two late sixes.  Thanks for playing, Pats, and Mercury Morris has some lovely parting gifts for you.
 
Hello ???  Hello, Mr Manning, this is Tony Romo, did I catch you at a bad time ???  No, certainly not, Tony, and please call me Archie.  Now what I can do for you ???  Well, Archie, this wasn’t my idea but Jerry Jones told me to call you and ask if you and Mrs Manning could adopt me as your son in time for next season.  He really wants to win the Super Bowl and seeing as your sons have won the last two … Well, I’m not sure about that, Tony … Say, can I put you on hold for a second, I have another call coming in.  Hello, who is this ???  Carson Palmer ???  I, uh, wait, hold on, there’s another call … Honey, could you tell Philip Rivers I’ll call him right back.

Okay, we get it … Janet Jackson’s naughty bit four years ago completely frazzled the grand poobahs at the NFL league office.  But can we please end the geezer tour that the halftime show has become in the wake of Miss J’s all-too-brief wardrobe malfunction ???  We had Paul McCartney in Jacksonville, the Stones two years ago, Prince last year and now Tom Petty and the Heart Bypass Surgeries this year.  What’s next, a Doors reunion ???  C’mon, baby, light my bifocals.

Golf season is back and so is some guy named Tiger.  I can’t be positive but I think he means business.  I don’t usually make bold predictions but Tiger looks like he just might win a few tournaments this year.
 
Supe ads were either bizarre or tame.  The one with the chick whose beating heart jumped out of her chest to tell her boss she was quitting her job didn’t exactly go well with the nachos and 7-layer dip I was trying to keep down.  The Dalmation training the Clydesdale was cute but sappy … And I’m still trying to figure out just how many different companies are out there selling magic water with some kind of fruit flavor in it.

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Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
 
Dear Tiki, the weather here in Phoenix is wonderful.  Too bad you retired last year.  Don’t know if you heard or not but we made it to the Super Bowl this year without you.  And without Shockey too.  I know, crazy, isn’t it ???  Anyway, if you get a chance, say hi to Katie Couric or whoever it is you’re working with now.  Hey, gotta go, man, team meeting in 5 minutes.  Take care.  Your pal, Eli.  P.S.  Coach Coughlin says wazzup too.
 
Bob Malcolm is a midfielder for Queens Park Rangers, an English Premiership football club.  Bob Malcolm played a match for QPR against Plymouth in London one night about a month ago.  Bob Malcolm’s team lost.  At 6:30am the next morning, Bob Malcolm was found fast asleep in his car in the middle lane of the M1 highway in Tibshelf, a small Derbyshire County town.  Upon awakening, Bob Malcolm confessed he thought he had pulled over to the side of the road.  Bob Malcolm also failed a breath test and will now have to pay a fine and attend alcohol rehab.  Bob Malcolm apologized for his poor judgment but made sure we all knew who was really at fault here … “I must say that I was very upset and frustrated with the poor performance of the referee in our match at Plymouth the evening before.”  Bob Malcolm should now get used to seeing yellow cards being waved in his face.  Lots of ‘em.
 
Whadda you say we stay in the UK … Liverpool and Manchester United, two of the most famous, most successful and most valuable English football teams, are owned by … gasp … some seriously rich American gents, Tom Hicks and the Glazer brothers.  As you can guess, Lord Pip-Pip and Milady Cheerio are just a little brassed off having Yanks own their precious clubs.  And so both teams’ fans are trying to raise the pounds to buy them back and toss the bloody Yanks back across the pond where they belong.  Here’s what I think we should do though … First, let’s tax their stamps.  And if that doesn’t work, we’ll tax their tea.  And if they don’t want to pay the tax, they can just toss the tea in the harbor for all we care.  That’ll teach ‘em not to mess with us owning them.

Dear TO, hope you’re enjoying your stay with the Cowboys.  We’re sorry the arbitrator said you have to pay back the rest of your 2005 signing bonus.  For your convenience, we accept Visa, MasterCard, Discover, American Express, cash, check or money order.   If you decide to pay by check, please write on the memo line … “TO cost himself $2.49 million dollars by holding out against us.”  Thank you and have a nice day.  Sincerely, the Philadelphia Eagles.

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