We’ve all been hit hard by gas prices recently. Well I think it’s time to fight back. I’ve come up with four things that anyone can do to save gas. Give ‘em a try… think of all the money you’ll save!

1. Buy Stuff From Infomercials

I myself am a night person. I sit up until the sun rises and I ponder the meaning of life… or I write meaningless blog posts similar to this one. Anywho, one of my favorite parts of staying up late is infomercials. It’s amazing to watch the crap that they peddle on tv these days.

How does watching infomercials help me save money on gas? Well… watching infomercials doesn’t help you save money on gas… buying stuff from infomercials does. How does this work? It’s an easy concept. If you spend all of your money buying products guaranteed to make you millions then one of two things will happen.

• You’ll make millions. If this happens, then you no longer have to worry about gas prices taking a chunk out of your wallet.
• You’ll be too broke to afford your mortgage and you’ll have to sell your car. This option isn’t the greatest, but it’s an effective way to save money on gas.

2. Don’t Drive Your Car

This is the most obvious solution. If you never have to take your Pinto out of the driveway, not only are you saving yourself embarrassment, but you’ll also save money on gas.

Of course, I know what you’re going to say. “But Bryan, I need to go to work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there’s grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Thompson’s and blah blah blah and….” Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Scarlett Johansson photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don’t drive your own car doesn’t mean you can’t get around. You can’t tell me that it would kill your fat-ass to jump on a bike and peddle aimlessly around town. You live 30 miles from work? Oh… here is another solution. I’m full of ideas.

3. Carpool

It seems so simple. Instead of using your gas, use someone else’s! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Use your connections. You should never have to buy a tank of gas if you plan correctly. You should be in the business of finding friends just to carpool with, and then as soon as it’s your turn… quit returning their phone calls. Move on to the next helpless sucker you found on Craigslist that wants to save the environment. Make someone else take out a second mortgage on their house so that they can fill up their Ford Expedition and take your happy ass to work.

If this doesn’t work and you simply must take your turn in the carpool carousel… try these tips to be absolutely certain that nobody will ever want to ride with you again.

• Never wash your car. This may sound obvious but it’s harder than it sounds when you factor in natural precipitation. Just get your car as dirty as possible and then make sure it is parked in a garage or under an awning so that it stays that way. If you can keep the inside dirty as well, then you are almost assured success. And when I say keep the inside dirty… I mean so dirty that someone would rather punch themselves in the face than ask you for a ride to the emergency room when they have on other means of transportation.
• Make sure your neighbors child is hopped up on Red Bull and put them in the back seat with a wiffle-ball bat. No explanation needed.
• Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.
• Only play recorded versions of your favorite romance novels on cd. Loud!

You shouldn’t have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.

4. Ride the Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn’t have one don’t worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:

• No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.
• No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you.
• No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.
• Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.
• Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material.

Hopefully this helpful article will keep you from paying an arm and a leg for gas. And all I ask in return as a simple thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we’re not on the bus. I’d hate to have to mug you…

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