Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
DNP-CD … No, it’s not some new high-def music disc. In The Association, it stands for “Did Not Play - Coach’s Decision” and it shows up in the box score mostly for the jabeeps buried at the end of the bench. But last week, Matt Barnes of Golden State got one of the more unusual DNP-CD’s of recent note. First off, Barnes is no scrubbeenie. He played a key role last spring when the Warriors sent the Mavs home early and he’s been solid so far this season too. No, Matt sat because assistant coach Keith “Not So” Smart forgot to write his name on the pre-game lineup card. The zeebs said sorry, rules are rules and gave Barnes the night off. That’s right, the Warriors had to pay Matt Barnes his game check … $36,585 … to sit in the locker room and woof nachos all night. The NBA. I love this game.
Let’s give it up for IUPUI head hoops coach Ron Turner and his magic bare feets. What’s an IUPUI, you ask ??? It’s Indiana University-Purdue University at Indianapolis. No, seriously, Eye-Yuh-Poohie is a real school. Anyway, Turner decided to coach a game last week sans socks and shoes. That’s right, Shoeless Ron wanted to honor MLK Day by coaching barefoot so that people would donate shoes for shoeless kids in Africa. The night was a big success as Turner was hoping for 40,000 and ended up collecting well over 100,000 pairs plus $20K in cash. And IUPUI won the game too. All in all, a fantastic night and a worthy cause celebrated. Although to be fair, it’s probably a good thing Coach Turner wasn’t looking to help the UN Council for Global Hemorrhoid Awareness.
More strip club hilarity … Former Bengals linebacker Adrian Ross had what he thought was a foolproof plan. Ross wanted to host nine straight days and nights of Super Bowl parties at the Pink Cabaret, an all-nude strip club, in Glendale, AZ, site of next week’s big game. Only one problem … All-nude clubs don’t allow the booze. So Ross appealed to the Glendale City Council for a special one-time waiver. But the city fathers thought better of it and decided that it’s probably still not a good idea to mix testosterone with alcohol and naked women. Ross was crushed of course … Especially since he had already announced that proceeds from his parties would be donated to Maddbackers Foundation, a local charity run by … yep, former Bengals linebacker Adrian Ross. Oh, those poor kids.
This just in … Breaking news … Heartthrob New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was photographed arriving at Providence Airport yesterday with a tiny piece of bloody white toilet paper allegedly affixed to the lower right side of his otherwise magnificently chiseled chin. Paparazzi snapped off dozens of photos of what authorities are only speculating might have been a minor shaving accident. Brady’s publicist would not confirm the so-called “nick” but the team announced that their All-Pro player does indeed attempt to remove facial stubble from his dreamy cheeks, sculpted jaw and smooth neck each day using what the team trainer referred to as a “razor”. When pressed for comment, Patriots coach Bill Belichick downgraded Brady from definitely probable to extremely probable for the upcoming Super Bowl.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
Live by the Favre, die by the Favre. I’ll be the first to admit that if Brett Favre played for my team, I’d have a closet full of his No. 4 jerseys in assorted styles and colors. And I’d have the head trifecta … bobble, fat and cheese. Favre is an all-time NFL legend and the best football player the tiny hamlet of Green Bay, Wisconsin has ever seen. And if he doesn’t get elected to Canton on the first ballot, they might as well shut the place down. But the man just kills his team in the playoffs. Green Bay coaches spent the entire season getting him to play within their safe yet effective system and somehow someway Sheriff Brett’s last pistol shot of the season still got picked off. Thanks for playing, Pack, and we have some lovely parting gifts for you.
Herschel Walker, beloved hero of the Georgia Bulldawgs, apparently has a new book coming out in which he claims he suffers from a multiple personality disorder. Vince Dooley, Walker’s old college coach, said this was news to him but that he sure liked the Herschel who trampled all over the SEC for him. Iggles fans however were no doubt less enamored with their Herschel … The one who tippy-toed into the line, got blasted backwards and fumbled.
Bud Light signed yet another contract extension last week to stay on as baseball commish for yet another three years, this time until 2012. Selig has insisted several times before that he’d be retired by now but, let’s be real here, Bud ain’t leaving until he can put the steroids mess far behind in his rearview mirror. But here’s the really intriguing part of his plan to stay on as commissioner … The current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, our Commander-In-Chief, has made no secret of his lifelong ambition to have that job. Although seeing as how often Bud seems to be testifying in front of Congress these days, perhaps Mr Bush might be having second thoughts on his post-POTUS career path.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
Jints and Pack at Lambeau for the NFC crown … Man, talk about the old school. For this one, we need square-toed, head-on kickers, single bar face masks and big “H” goalposts. Not to mention buzz cuts … Or better yet, linemen with bloody short sleeves and steaming bald heads sitting on the bench while coaches roam the sidelines in cashmere coats wearing felt fedoras. Snow and ice would be nice but at the very least, Bart Starr and Y.A. Tittle should be there for the coin toss. Oh and let’s not forget … Highlights by NFL Films only. Nothing says old school quite like a frozen football spinning in slow-motion spiral backed by a 40-piece horn section.
Rest in peace, Bobby Fischer. He certainly was a strange one but the dude played lights out chess. I remember Fischer’s epic 1972 match in Iceland when he whipped the big bad Russian champ, Boris Spassky. The match was on PBS and it was seriously low tech. All they showed was a studio with some guys wearing headphones who kept staring at a big chessboard on the wall. And every so often, they’d get up and go move a flimsy cardboard piece on the board. And then they’d talk about that move until the next one came in. And this went on for days … Okay, so it wasn’t like Rocky Balboa and Ivan Drago but it was still strangely compelling. I mean, this was the Cold War. We had to beat this Russian guy. Even if we never saw him.
What part of “Stay out of strip clubs” doesn’t Pacman Jones understand??? It’s real simple, man. If it’s after midnight and you’re in a dark place with no windows and the girls there are wearing not much or nothing at all and ”Sweet Child O’ Mine” or “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is playing at jet airplane decibels and there’s a shiny silver pole on a stage and strobe lights are flashing and a fog machine is, um, well, fogging and there are huge grim guys wearing sunglasses and flexing cannonball biceps standing close to the girls, then get out. In fact, Pacman, if you’re anyplace after dark and guys there are still wearing sunglasses, go home. Nothing good is going to happen, trust me. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard, you know, like stories and such.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
Romo to TO is a no go no mo’ … Not after the Pokes laid a Giant-sized cow chip on the field and became the first NFC No. 1 seed to honk a Division Round game since the Enn Eff Ell expanded to 12 playoff teams. Now Tony Romo and Yoko … I mean, Jessica Simpson can take all the Cabo vacation trips they want. And Terrell “It’s My Quarterback” Owens now has all the time he needs to snag an endorsement deal with Orville Redenbacher. Just don’t get any tears in the popcorn, TO. But best of all was seeing Double-J on the sideline near the end screaming at the zebras with his best bitter beer face. Sorry, Jerry, but Week 1 is just 34 weeks away.
Please say it ain’t so … Apparently, the NCAA is investigating the storied UCLA hoops program over an alleged illegal recruiting contact. Looks like current freshman Kevin Love met with a school representative during a recruiting trip last year … Which would indeed be illegal if that representative was not officially affiliated with UCLA. Fortunately, the rep is a paid consultant to the school so he can meet with recruits. Which is a good thing considering it’s 97-year-old John Wooden, the legendary Wizard of Westwood, who won 10 titles and pretty much sired March Madness, the massive cash cow which pays just about every bill at the NCAA. Listen, suits, let the man talk to the kids. Women’s soccer and men’s golf are not paying your salaries.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
I think we may have finally figured out Bill Belichick. He’s not human. I believe he’s an Arkillian prince sent here to protect the galaxy on Orion’s belt and coach a little football on the side. In fact, I bet if you tugged on Belichick’s ear lobe, his face would lift off and there’d be a little 3″ tall E.T. in there working the controls. And I also think the coach is in cahoots with the Men In Black to keep his Patriots under control. Anybody gets out of line and J and K are there to flashy-thing them right back into submission. All we need now for proof is a couple of juicy National Enquirer articles like, say for example, if the star quarterback was dating a Brazilian supermodel.
You know, this is one time when I’m actually glad Vince Lombardi isn’t around to see what has happened to his game. Seattle kicker Josh Brown will be wearing heated warm-up pants on the sidelines in Green Bay this weekend. That’s right, no matter how cold it gets at Lambeau, batteries in Brown’s pants will keep his calves, thighs and hamstrings a toasty 75 degrees. No truth to the rumor that Brown also brought his woobie to sleep with him in his hotel room or that he’ll have Seahawks staff keep a thermos of decaf, half-soy, no whip, double-shot caramel cappuccino under the bench in case he feels chilly. And I’m really glad Seattle isn’t playing in Philadelphia this weekend cause Iggles fans would make sure poor Josh has all the extra batteries he needed and then some.
If you’re a Sports Illustrated subscriber, then you’re familiar with the magazine’s “Faces In The Crowd” section. Each issue features half a dozen young and unknown athletes. They’re mostly high schoolers who’ve set some new and obscure record like the longest javelin toss in Idaho girls track history or most goals in one soccer game by a left-footed sophomore. But here’s the thing … There are never any ugly faces in “Faces In The Crowd”. Never. Every girl is button cute and every guy is the homecoming king. I have no idea what this means but if you’re a young jock planning on hitting 53 home runs with one hand or a tennis player and you haven’t lost since you were 2, you better not have a crooked nose, buck teeth or a chin full of zits cause that ain’t the kind of face in the crowd SI is looking for.
So you bought your dream car. It’s black with leather interior and has all of the options. It has the most powerful YET fuel efficient engine on the market (you have to do your part in fighting global warming, after all). The car comes with everything you’ve always wanted. It even comes with bells and whistles you never even knew existed. But by the end of this decade, a third of your car’s value will be in its electronics and advanced technologies.
Here is a list we put together of the newest and best add-on tech accessories being sold for your car. While some of these may not be cheap, they are definitely fun.
Traffic Info: Garmin nüvi 680 4.3-Inch Widescreen Bluetooth Portable GPS Navigator – The best is never the cheapest. These shirt-pocket devices are the Nüvi 680. They come with a 4.3-inch quarter VGA (QVGA, or 320-by-240) LCD screen. You can connect it to your car’s power and it receives real-time traffic reports, giving you a better idea of roads to avoid.
HD Radio Add-On: “Car Connect” Universal HD Radio Tuner - HD Radio can triple the radio broadcasts you receive. One frequency will carry the digital station while two others are multi-cast over the same frequency. The Car Connect HD tuner connects to any existing radio via the antenna for no loss of signal quality. All you need to do is mount a small module on the dash, then tune your radio to an unused FM station, or use the auxiliary input.
Car Stereo: Sony MEX-BT5000 CD receiver with Bluetooth® technology and MP3/WMA - For a unique way to experience Bluetooth in your car, you need to replace your old stereo with one that integrates the latest in Bluetooth technology. The MEX-BT5000 has an AM/FM receiver, CD player, 24-bit DAC, and more. This Bluetooth isn’t just for phone calls: Using a device supporting A2DP (the Advanced Audio Distribution Profile), you can stream music off devices, and there are plug-in modules for iPods and satellite radio.
Cell-Phone Navigator: LG enV Phone – It seems every day portable navigators shrink even smaller and smaller. They’re so tiny; it’s difficult to remember to take them with you. Consider this like a cell phone with navigation built-in, such as the LG 9900 enV running VZ Navigator software from Verizon and Networks in Motion. Place messaging lets you send a “GPS thumbtack” to someone else’s phone, setting your location as the destination.
GPS Navigation: Alpine Blackbird PMD-B100 - GPS Receiver – This one has it all. Here’s a navigation device you can use three ways: Try it as a battery-operated walkabout unit with a 3.6-inch color screen, as a dashboard-mounted personal navigation aid, or add a $200 docking module to it which hides the Blackbird under your seat and connects to an Alpine AV head unit with a big LCD. This last option gives you a system nearly as good as what you’d get built into a new car.
Cell-Phone Adapter: Parrot CK3100 LCD Bluetooth Car Kit - Cell phones can be distracting and often illegal when held in your hand. If you’re not a fan of an earpiece dangling as you drive, get a dash-mounted Bluetooth adapter such as Parrot’s, which connects to most car stereos or a separate speaker. Only a small display stays visible. There is also voice recognition which lets you dial by name.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
Ain’t no flies on Looziana State, winner of the BCS Champeenship Game over *The* Ohio State Poisonous Nuts. And to honor the champs, let’s sing a little song for them … We are the champions more or less. And we’ll keep on fighting until the polls are in. We are the champions kinda sorta. We are the champions pretty much. No time for losers unless it’s us with two losses. Cause we are the champions of the College Football Bowl Subdivision (formerly known as Division 1-A) world.
And a note to the BCS … Enough with the Ohio State versus SEC matchups for the big crystal pig bladder. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Last year it was a Gator chompjob, this year a Bayou Bengal blowout. We get it. The Nuts are from the Big Ten. They don’t have the speed. They don’t play a tough enough schedule. And Jim Tressel dresses like a CPA whose mom still picks out his clothes. Meanwhile, LSU got all Cajun medieval on the poor Nuts breaking tackles and running wild in a way too Big Easy win. Thanks for playing and we have some lovely parting gifts for you.
That’s a wrap … The end of Joe Gibbs Part II: The Phantom Menace as the legendary Skins coach packed in his comeback gig with a final tally of 31-36 and two short offs appearances in four seasons back in Fight For Old Dee Cee. It had to have been a rough year for Joe especially with the tragic death of Sean Taylor and the pressure of a late-season run. So rough in fact that Joe was willing to turn in his whistle and go back to running his NASCAR team. In other words, instead of continuing his Hall of Fame NFL career, Joe would rather deal with Tony Stewart all over again. I mean, when that starts to look like the easier choice, then you know he was having a hard time of it.
I’m sorry but I need an explanation here … June Jones left as head coach at the University of Hawaii for the same job at Southern Methodist. He left Hawaii after a 12-1 Sugar Bowl dream season for the SMU Ponies who finished 1-11. The same Ponies who still have not recovered from the death penalty the NC2A dropped on their helmets over 20 years ago. The same Ponies who play in Conference USA. The same conference whose champion plays in a bowl named for a company that repossesses cars. Okay sure, Jones will now get $2 million a year instead of $1.6 mill. But he left Honolulu for Dallas. He left pineapple for pico de gallo, leis for lassos and surf babes for rodeo clowns. Aloha means goodbye, coach.
Spurious thoughts and idle musings from the world of sports …
“The check is in the mail.” “I’ll respect you in the morning.” “No new taxes.” And now make room for a new entry on the list of all-time great lies. Drum roll, please … “I thought it was a B-12 shot.” Several ballplayers have tried this beauty before but now Roger “60 Minutes Man” Clemens is taking it out for a stroll too. Yes, the Mitchell Report is blatantly unfair to the players named in it but it snared one big flopping fish when Roger’s ex-trainer copped to shooting him up. And now that fish is gasping for airtime. Go on, Rog, we’re listening. Tick, tick, tick, tick …
Didja see that snowy outdoor hockey game in Buffalo between the Sabes and the Pens? If not, you missed a nice nostalgic nod to old school pond hockey. Maybe next year the NFL could do something like it too … First off, we’ll need to pave a field with asphalt between the hashmarks. Then parallel park a bunch of old cars along both sidelines leaving a few gaps in between cars for down-and-out routes. No uniforms and no pads … Just school clothes and gym shoes. And no playbooks or game plans either. Every play is “Everybody go long” and pass rush is strictly enforced by the “Three Mississippi” system. Penalty is three cars and automatic do over. No exceptions. Not even for the guy who brought the football.
– The best is never the cheapest. These shirt-pocket devices are the Nüvi 680. They come with a 4.3-inch quarter VGA (QVGA, or 320-by-240) LCD screen. You can connect it to your car’s power and it receives real-time traffic reports, giving you a better idea of roads to avoid.
- HD Radio can triple the radio broadcasts you receive. One frequency will carry the digital station while two others are multi-cast over the same frequency. The Car Connect HD tuner connects to any existing radio via the antenna for no loss of signal quality. All you need to do is mount a small module on the dash, then tune your radio to an unused FM station, or use the auxiliary input.
- For a unique way to experience Bluetooth in your car, you need to replace your old stereo with one that integrates the latest in Bluetooth technology. The MEX-BT5000 has an AM/FM receiver, CD player, 24-bit DAC, and more. This Bluetooth isn’t just for phone calls: Using a device supporting A2DP (the Advanced Audio Distribution Profile), you can stream music off devices, and there are plug-in modules for iPods and satellite radio.
– It seems every day portable navigators shrink even smaller and smaller. They’re so tiny; it’s difficult to remember to take them with you. Consider this like a cell phone with navigation built-in, such as the LG 9900 enV running VZ Navigator software from Verizon and Networks in Motion. Place messaging lets you send a “GPS thumbtack” to someone else’s phone, setting your location as the destination.
– This one has it all. Here’s a navigation device you can use three ways: Try it as a battery-operated walkabout unit with a 3.6-inch color screen, as a dashboard-mounted personal navigation aid, or add a $200 docking module to it which hides the Blackbird under your seat and connects to an Alpine AV head unit with a big LCD. This last option gives you a system nearly as good as what you’d get built into a new car.
- Cell phones can be distracting and often illegal when held in your hand. If you’re not a fan of an earpiece dangling as you drive, get a dash-mounted Bluetooth adapter such as Parrot’s, which connects to most car stereos or a separate speaker. Only a small display stays visible. There is also voice recognition which lets you dial by name.
